Well, all right, that’s not a literal quote, but it might as well be. Salon has never made any pretense of its anti-Amazon leanings (as we saw recently with Laura Miller’s piece claiming she was swearing off Amazon), but lately it seems to have gone a little round the bend. Over the last couple of days, it’s started coming up with whatever Amazon hit pieces it possibly could. I’m talking serious scraping of the bottom of the barrel here.

For starters we have this article by Neil Drumming. He went back to various literary nonprofits Salon had profiled a couple years back for receiving funding grants from Amazon and said, in effect, “Bet you’re sorry you took that money now, since Amazon is being all evil and stuff, aren’t you?”

The only ones who answered him were generally positive about it, saying more or less that they didn’t support all of Amazon’s businesses practices but it did some good things, too—and so did its money. Drumming is unable to resist throwing in this scare paragraph, however:

But many of the nonprofits Salon contacted over the course of two days declined to comment on or off the record — another scary sign of Amazon’s massive power. The PEN American Center refused to comment; Poets & Writers stopped responding to calls; a whole host of organizations (Archipelago,  Lambda Literary, 826seattle, ArtandWriting.org, the Asian American Writers’ Workshop, Cooper Canyon Press, and the Kenyon Review, to name a few) never replied at all.

It’s worth noting there could be any number of reasons they didn’t want to talk to Salon, not least of which is it’s really none of Salon’s beeswax how they feel about any of their donors. But whatever. I imagine that around the Salon offices, if you trip over your own feet or accidentally get some water down your windpipe, or if the light changes just as you get to it, or a black cat crosses your path, it’s always Amazon’s fault.

But at least that article has some journalistic merit. The one that really takes the cake is by Tricia Romano. Ms. Romano’s bone to pick with Amazon is that the company’s success and expansion has led to an influx of boring male geeks that is completely ruining her sex life because they’re all so, well, boring.

Seriously. I’m not kidding. That’s the entire thrust (so to speak) of her article.

You might think an abundance of men is a great thing, but as a wise woman once said, “The odds may be good, but the goods are odd.”

“I’ve lived in Seattle for seven years, single most of them,” Annie Pardo, a 31-year-old freelance event and communications consultant in Seattle, wrote in an email. “The only thing that has changed is the increase in men I’d never want to go out on a date with.” She added, “Can’t believe they actually strap on those new employee book bags.”

You know what? I’m not even going to try to make fun of this article. I just can’t. There is nothing I can possibly say about this article that can top the article itself. Thank you, try the veal, we’ll be here all week.

Coming soon to Salon Magazine: “Amazon’s mama” jokes. “Amazon’s mama so fat, when she sits around the warehouse, she sits around the warehouse.”