Authors Guild President Roxana Robinson explained, “We were simply getting tired of pretending that we were really an advocacy group for writers. What a joke! We haven’t actually had authors’ best interests at heart for decades now. In actual fact, we’re considering renaming ourselves to something more accurate, like the ‘Publishers Guild.’”
Robinson explained that their real mission is to do everything in their power to roll back the clock and ensure that the publishing industry returns to its approximate status in the early 1990s. “We feel that the public advent of the Internet was a huge mistake. Not only was the ‘Eternal September’ a crushing blow to all the college students who had made the network their own, it also brought about the near ruination of publishers and bookstores as startups like Amazon were able to innovate and attract customers away, and Google was able to give customers the ability to search within books without actually having to pay the publishers for that right.”
Robinson added, “We feel innovation should be a crime, and we are fully prepared to continue fighting it by litigation, as we have in the case of Google Books.”
Authors United founder Douglas Preston echoed the same sentiments. “Far too long have outfits like Amazon been able to usurp publishers’ rightful control over book sales by catering to entitled consumers whose desire for low prices is strictly at odds with publishers’ need for more money to support their antiquated warehousing and distribution networks, as well as maintain their expensive offices in New York City. How can publishers be expected to continue their hopelessly inefficient Great Depression-era book buyback program if they are no longer able to charge outrageously high prices for their content?”
Flush with the success of their recent Amazon-bashing conference in conjunction with New America, Authors United is planning a further event in cooperation with the John Birch Society. “We plan to march on Amazon’s corporate headquarters in Seattle carrying torches and pitchforks,” Preston explained. “A good time should be had by all. Except Jeff Bezos, hopefully.”
Robinson and Preston also wanted to join with those of us at TeleRead in wishing you a HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!